Dear Haya,
I'm in my early 20s and under pressure from my parents to start showing up for rishtas. I knew I had to be prepared for this day, but to be asked almost every weekend is getting too frustrating for me now.
My family is usually progressive, but when it comes to daughter's getting married, it is a conservative one. Most girls in our family are married off by 25. My parents, too, are now worried and want to see me settled as soon as possible.
Marriage is not something I'm completely prepared for, but I'm convincing myself for my parent's happiness. However, it is now becoming burdensome for me to get dressed almost every other week and show up before people who are ready to judge me.
How do I navigate this situation as someone who is almost helpless at this point?
Dear anon,
What you are expressing is something many women go through in Pakistan and the wider South Asian region. The stress of managing your family expectations and your own readiness can feel overwhelming.
I’m hearing that you don’t feel ready but are only showing up for your parents, which in itself can feel like a lot of pressure. I sense the helplessness in your tone, let's take a look at what we can do.
Here are some ways to navigate this situation:
Acknowledge to yourself that you are not fully ready yet but you are participating due to family pressure. Naming that truth without guilt, gives you a sense of choice.
Rather than rejecting the process ask your parents to slow down. Maybe once a month instead of weekly. You are not avoiding, you are redirecting.
Pick one member from your parent whom you feel emotionally safest with and tell them how you feel i.e. not completely ready. If at any point it gets too much for you and starts to impact your mental health let them know you need a break.
Take each meeting as an opportunity to gather clarity. What matters most to you? Assess values, computability and respect. Selecting a partner comes from a level of self-awareness of knowing our own selves. What works well with you? What are your primary needs in a relationship? This shift will allow you to gain more control over your life and what matters most to you.
The process can feel exhausting and draining. Create small rituals to recharge. Go for a walk, call a friend or get a coffee, or anything else that you feel may helps.
Recognise that your parents' sense of urgency may stem from a place of anxiety. Recognise that it's not a reflection of your worth or readiness.
Always remember, you are the one getting married and it is you who has to live your life. The eventual selection of a partner is something that you need to feel at peace with and satisfied with. Take this process as an opportunity to figure out what matters most to you and remember to take care of yourself during this process.
Best wishes,
Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions by filling this form or email to counsellingcornergeo.tv
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.