'Feeling guilty for not spending enough time with kids'

Hi Haya,

I'm a mother of two boys aged 10 and 7. The problem is I'm struggling to spend quality time with them. Both my sons really need time and attention from me, but given my busy schedule managing both work and home, it gets really challenging for me to be a hands-on mother for them all the time.

I feel really guilty for not being able to spend as much time with them as I should. These feelings have now started impacting my mental health to the point that I remain frustrated most of the time. I don't know how to manage the time with them after I return from work. I have so many other things to look into that by the time I get done I'm too tired to do anything else.

Would you have any tips on how I can be a more present parent for my boys? I don't want to feel like an absent mother. Please help.

— A guilty mother

Dear guilty mother,

Thank you for reaching out. From your message, it sounds like you're under an incredible amount of pressure — and it’s clear how deeply committed you are to your boys and how much their well-being means to you. Balancing work, home, and the emotional weight of feeling like you’re not doing enough is incredibly hard, and I want to acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can with the resources you have.

These feelings of guilt and frustration, while common, are also signs that you’re overwhelmed — and that your system is asking for your attention and compassion.

It’s natural for you to feel mom guilt given the challenges you’re navigating. But the fact that these feelings have started impacting your mental health to the point that you remain frustrated most of the time is an important signal: something needs to shift or be re-evaluated.

I’m hearing that you come back from work already drained, with many other responsibilities still waiting for you — leaving little energy for your children and making it difficult to give them the attention they need from you, and that you genuinely want to give. This leaves you stuck in a painful loop of frustration and guilt.

That being said, let’s explore how you can begin to manage these challenges more effectively.

Here’s the truth: you are one person, with finite energy. You can’t do everything or be everything all at once — which means it’s time to gently prioritise. And from what you’ve shared, your top priorities seem to be your kids and your work.

So you need to start designing your life around those priorities — not squeezing them in around everything else. That may mean re-evaluating how and where your time and energy are going, and considering what can be minimized, delegated, or let go.

While children do need our time, what they need most is our emotional availability. That means being fully present and attuned to the moments you do have together — even if those moments are brief.

You're already doing so much. Now it’s about doing it differently — in a way that supports both your well-being and your role as a connected, emotionally present mother.

Let’s take a gentle step back and explore a few practical shifts:

1. Create intentional rituals

Simple, consistent rituals can go a long way. Set a small time block each day — just 15-20 minutes after work — that’s just for your boys. No phone, no multitasking. You could say, “This is our special time. I want to hear about your day.”

It could be a bedtime story, a cuddle, or a quick chat while tucking them in. These mini-moments create safety, connection, and belonging.

2. Involve them in everyday tasks

If you’re cooking or tidying up, invite them in. Even peeling vegetables or folding laundry can turn into shared, meaningful time. It helps them feel included — and eases the pressure on you to carve out extra time.

3. Delegate or outsource where possible and ask for help

You’ve made it clear how exhausted you are. See if there are areas where you can ask for help, delegate tasks, or lighten your load — even temporarily. Your energy matters.

4. Let go of the ‘perfect mom’ image

Your children don’t need a perfect mother. They need a present one — someone who shows up, listens, and is emotionally available, even if tired.

Try replacing guilt with self-compassion. Remind yourself: “I’m doing my best with what I have, and my love is enough.”

5. Reflect on your beliefs around being a working mother

Are there internal messages you're carrying like, “I have to do it all,” or “If I’m not giving 100%, I’m failing”? These beliefs can create unnecessary pressure. Work on gently challenging those and moving towards kinder, more sustainable expectations.

6. Protect your well-being and reconnect with yourself

Your frustration is valid. Exhaustion isn’t a flaw — it’s feedback. You also need time to fill your own cup. Build in one small act of care for yourself each day. Whether it’s five quiet minutes with tea, a short walk, or simply breathing space — you matter too.

Ask yourself: What nourishes me? What boundaries do I need? A replenished you are more able to be present for your boys.

I hope this gives you some direction — and a sense of relief. You are not an absent mother. You are a mother under pressure, doing the best you can, trying to love your boys well while carrying a full plate.

That’s not failure. That’s courage, commitment, and heart.

Be gentle with yourself. Even a few conscious, loving minutes a day are enough to help your sons feel seen and safe.

With warmth,

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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