'I'm a burnt-out mom experiencing brain fog, anxiety and social withdrawal. Please help!'

Hi Haya,

My brain remains foggy all the time. Despite engaging myself in different ways such as online jobs and physical activities, I can't seem to think clearly.

I have two little naughty kids, and following my parents' passing, I feel more strained. I tend to struggle with worries regarding my children, especially when people find faults or seem intolerant towards them. Family gatherings can be especially difficult to show up at as my anxiety spikes during such events. I hesitate when it comes to participating in such gatherings and I prefer staying at home, where I believe I am more comfortable.

I'm afraid what I'm experiencing is due to brain fog, anxiety and social withdrawal. How do I cope with these feelings?

— A burnt-out mom

Dear burnt-out mom,

First of all, I'd like to acknowledge that you are going through a lot and carrying far more than people realise. I wonder if you've given yourself enough credit for how much you've been carrying.

I hear you saying that you are struggling with brain fog, and despite keeping yourself engaged with online jobs and physical activities you are unable to think clearly — this is all on top of caring for two kids, losing your parents, and dealing with the constant pressure of judgement from others.

Quite honestly, I'm not surprised you feel this way. It's not that you're doing too little, it's that you are doing too much and your mind and body are burning out.

When our nervous system stays in a state of stress for too long it gears into survival mode and reflects on our health in various ways. Our body gives us signals — in your case brain fog, anxiety, or withdrawal — as a way to protect us, as it's the only way it knows best. However, it is not actually protecting us in the long term.

In your situation, here's whats going on:

• You're carrying the responsibility of caring and raising two kids.
• You're carrying unprocessed grief from your parents' passing.
• You're feeling the weight of people's behaviours and judgements towards your kids.

On top of this, you've added more things to your plate, which makes it clear that it sounds like a distraction, so you don't have to deal with and process what is actually going on. Sometimes, it can be easier to brush things under the carpet than to confront them directly. When we are in survival mode it is probably what we are able to do best.

Staying home brings you relief, because it protects you from the anxiety that the people and gatherings trigger. But it also feeds your cycles of avoidance, which keep you away from facing parts of yourself, building confidence and resilience in those areas, and meeting your triggers and finding out.

What may help you is not doing more; in fact, doing less. Give yourself permission to rest, grieve, and process. Take some things off your plate. Acknowledge what is really going on for you beneath the surface, be honest with yourself. Explore your triggers, they are you best teachers.

Start small: Start by carving out quiet moments each day that are just for you, where you're not performing or achieving. Something as simple as taking 10 deep intentional breaths each day can ground your body and calm your mind. Over time, you can gently re-introduce yourself to spaces, starting with the situations that feel safe and manageable to you and understanding and working through your triggers.

What you are experiencing is not permanent, it is your mind and body's way of nudging you and showing you what's going on within. These experiences are not a punishment. Remember, they are not happening to you, but are happening FOR you. For you to grow, heal and shed what no longer serves you. For you to become the person you were always meant to be. The calling is there, you just need to pay attention.

Approach yourself with compassion and accountability, acknowledge all the unhelpful ways you've been protecting yourself and allow the process to unfold.

If it ever feels too much or too heavy to navigate by yourself remember there is always help available, you just need to seek it. You are not alone and you are not meant to do this alone.

My best wishes to you.

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions by filling this form or email to [email protected]

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