'How to stop craving attention and navigate my anxious attachment issues?'

Hi Haya,

I'm a 23-year-old female and struggling with anxious attachment issues. I get attached easily and then create unrealistic expectations, waiting for people to treat me the way I imagine an ideal partner/friend would.

My main goal is to become self-confident, so I can genuinely enjoy my own company and stop craving attention or validation from others. This constant overthinking is really messing with my mind and affecting my overall health.

Even when I spot these patterns, I still find myself craving connection, and I don't like it. I would really appreciate any guidance you can offer. This is the milder version of what I go through when I’m stuck on someone, while in reality, it’s way worse. Please help!

Dear anon,

Thank you for expressing what you are going through into words. What you are experiencing sounds exhausting, but not uncommon. It sounds like you desire connection, but nothing feels enough for you and you are stuck in this feeling of frustration and hopelessness, fearing abandonment and rejection.

I hear you referring to anxious attachment in your query. Understanding the attachment styles is a great for building self-awareness and understanding our needs, which is needed a lot.

While it is great that you have awareness of the attachment styles, I would like to point out not to label yourself and put yourself in a box because they are not set in stone, we can move through these. We can experience different types of attachments in different adult relationships.

Let's first take a look at understanding what these attachment styles are.

Attachment styles are developed in childhood. Depending on the kind of care we received from our early caregivers each one of us develops attachment styles. Secure or insecure (anxious, avoidant). Our attachment styles describe how people bond, seek closeness and handle emotional intimacy in adult relationships, all rooted in early caregiver experiences.

So how do we heal from insecure attachments?

Have a query for Haya? Fill this form anonymously or email to [email protected]

Insecure attachment styles are more similar than you think. They are caused by feeling insecure and unsafe in interpersonal relationships, and a deep fear of rejection and abandonment.

An unhealed anxious attachment looks like:

• Ignoring red flags.
• Fearing rejection.
• Being described as needy.
• Being attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
• Using the relationship to create a false sense of inner security.
• Confusing lust for love.
• Accommodating other people to prevent abandonment.
• Giving up on their own needs.
• Doing things to manipulate the other person into giving them an emotional response — threatening to leave, provoking jealousy, provoking fear, or distancing to "prove a point", etc.

An unhealed avoidant attachment style looks like:

• Being attracted to anxiously attached people to have their need for intimacy met without having to do the work.
• Self-sufficiency and independence are more important than interdependence.
• Protecting their freedom even at the cost of other important players in their lives.
• Withholding commitment.
• Being unlikely to show feelings.
• Focusing on the flaws of your partner to create a case for "leaving them" or "treating them badly".
• Focusing on fantasies of another person who seems better than your partner.
• Hypervigilant about any attempt to be controlled.
• Making unilateral decisions that impact the partnership or other person.
• Flirting with other people
• Dismissing your partner's emotions and needs.
• Finding ways to sabotage the relationship.

The way to overcome what you are experiencing in relationships is to build awareness that you are experiencing them. For example, for the anxiously attached it becomes taking responsibility for themselves, learning to self soothe, gaining assertive communication skills and setting boundaries when red flags appear.

For the avoidant, it is to take responsibility for the relationship. This means developing awareness of your partner's needs, making "bilateral" decisions and accepting influence, getting comfortable expressing your feelings, and learning the difference between a boundary and a cut off.

I hear you say that you want to develop a secure relationship with yourself. Here are some things you can work on:

Practice awareness and identify triggers

Become aware of when strong or intense emotions come up. Notice your feelings and their meaning before you act. If it is too overwhelming, step away to take a walk, gather your thoughts and return with clarity.

Regulate your nervous system

Triggered attachment can put you in fight/flight/freeze mode. In this state, you are more likely to act on impulse. Take time to pause and breathe.

Identify your own needs

Ask yourself what is it that you need. "What do I want in this situation? What would feel right for me? How do I feel in my body about this decision? Does this feel like a good regulated decision or am I reacting like a ping pong ball? A key healing step is to practice validating your own experiences, fears, concerns, worries, desires, needs, preferences, and requests.

This means recognising, "Yes, I feel this way, and it makes sense that I feel this way". It’s about staying grounded in what you know to be true for yourself, without needing external confirmation or approval from others, especially from those who might be causing discomfort.

Building self trust in yourself

You may seek frequent and ongoing reassurance from partners to manage fears and insecurities, but this external reassurance often provides only a temporary fix and doesn't address the underlying wound. Rather than measuring yourself by others approval, practice affirming your strengths, talents and efforts. Keep a running list of personal accomplishments — whether big or small — and review it whenever you feel inadequate.

Expand your tolerance for uncertainty and build confidence

Consciously practice leaning into discomfort, face your fear of abandonment and practice letting go of your need for control each time you learn to survive the unknown, your trust will deepen.

Reparent your inner child

Working on identifying and giving yourself what you did not receive as a child. This can be done by giving yourself the love, support, and kindness you did not receive as a child. Be compassionate with yourself, forgive yourself for mistakes, check in with, and comfort yourself if this is what you need. You can think of this as treating yourself the way you would show kindness to an innocent child.

Challenge your thoughts

When experiencing negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while they seem real, the thoughts are not necessarily true. Do not believe every negative thought you have and instead try to challenge them when they come up.

Externalise your feelings

Letting go of your thoughts and putting them into something meaningful can be a healthy way to manage strong emotions. This could be expressed through creating artwork, movement or music.

Take responsibility in the relationship

As you grow more secure in yourself, you’ll naturally strengthen your “responsibility-taking muscle” and establish healthier emotional and energetic boundaries.This means learning to distinguish between what you can — and should — manage, versus what belongs to someone else. If you tend toward anxiety, you may feel compelled to "fix" your partner’s withdrawal or mood swings to soothe your own discomfort. True healing involves resisting that urge: you can’t control another person’s feelings, and attempting to do so only frustrates both of you.

Get to know yourself

We can be so hell-bent on other people and giving in to their needs that we don't focus on ourselves. What do you like doing? Who do you like being around? Get to know yourself and spend intentional time with yourself.

Work with a therapist

I would highly recommend working with a therapist. Through therapy, you can learn to recognise your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself and learn to approach relationships with others healthily.

Self acceptance

Last but not least, and most importantly, accept where you are. We can spend so much time fighting ourselves, that we don't take a look at accepting where we are. Different experiences have brought you here, work with yourself with acceptance and compassion.

These are some things you can actively start to work on. Again, I would like to remind you that attachment styles are not set in stone. You can develop a secure attachment style, no matter how old you are and no matter who you are.

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions by filling this form or email to [email protected]

Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.