'My professional success seems to trigger my husband's insecurities. What should I do?'

Dear Haya,

I wanted to seek some advice on dealing with my husband who is insecure of my professional achievements. Earlier in our marriage, he would often show how proud he was of my success and my independent attitude, but he has recently started acting strange. I have no idea when and why this began happening, but it has been bothering me for a few months now.

Both he and I travel frequently because of work. In fact, my husband even extends his trips and I never question him about it. But he has made it very apparent that my work trips are not something he's comfortable with. The issue does not end with work travel, as he often dismisses my importance at my current workplace and would sometimes indirectly tell me to quit working.

I don't know where this comes from, but I believe it's either his insecurities kicking in or someone trying to feed his mind negatively. Please tell me how I should deal with his strange behaviour.

— A hurt wife

Dear hurt wife,

It sounds like you’ve been feeling confused and hurt by your husband’s shifting attitude toward your professional life. You’ve worked hard to build a career you’re proud of, and It’s completely understandable to feel unsettled when someone who once celebrated your successes now seems threatened by it.

Relationships are multi-layered, and a healthy marriage rests on core foundational principles — respect, honesty, trust, support, open communication, commitment, and emotional safety, to name a few. From what you’ve described, his change in behaviour appears to reflect passive aggression, which often points to unmet emotional needs or unresolved resentment. These underlying tensions may have been building up silently over time which need to be addressed directly but compassionately.

Let’s take a close look to see what we can do.

First, I would encourage you to start with 'compassionate curiosity'.

It’s understandable to feel frustrated, but before jumping to conclusions, try to approach the situation with curiosity instead of judgement. Ask yourself: What might be going on underneath his behaviour? Sometimes, jealousy or withdrawal can stem from internal fears — fear of inadequacy, fear of change, or fear of losing relevance in the relationship. This doesn't excuse the behaviour, but understanding its origin can shift the conversation from blame to dialogue.

Also get curious about how his behaviour is making you feel. Do you feel dismissed, resentful, lonely? Tracking your own emotions will help you express them clearly later.

Second, open space for a safe conversation.

Create a calm and neutral moment to ask him gently (not mid-argument or the night before a trip), where you share your observation without blame.

"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. I’ve noticed a difference in how you respond to my work lately. You used to be so proud of my work and now I feel like you get uncomfortable with my work trips, and I’ve felt at times you want me to quit working. I wanna talk about what’s changed. What’s going on for you?"

Once he responds, let him know how it’s been making you feel.

Try to speak from your emotional experience aiming for “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…”), not “you always…” which can trigger defensiveness.

When he’s talking to you, listen for the emotion under the jealousy. Ask him, “When I’m away, what worries you most?” "How does my career make you feel?".

Then reflect on what you hear (“It sounds like you worry you won’t matter to me as much if I’m thriving at work. Did I get that right?”). Feeling understood can lower his defensiveness and open space for problem-solving.

Next, try to reassure him without shrinking yourself.

You can validate his feelings and hold your professional identity. For example:

Acknowledgment: “I get that my work and travel can feel unsettling and you’re not feeling as valued”.

Reassurance: “I want you to know how important you and this relationship is to me, I’m equally committed to us; let’s find ways that keep us close even when we’re apart."

Co-create solutions together with him. Ask him: "What would make you feel good about our relationship? What can we do? Frame it as teamwork (“How can we find a way that feels okay for both of us?”). Build on solutions together.

If his behaviour becomes dismissive or controlling — such as suggesting you quit your job — it’s important to gently, yet firmly, assert clear boundaries around respect. Let him know how important your work is to you and how important it is for you to feel supported in your career.

For example:

“It’s important to me to feel supported in my career. When you dismiss my work or suggest I quit, I feel undervalued. Let’s agree that even if you don’t share the same excitement, you’ll honor my choices.”

I would also encourage you to look at the relationship system, not just the symptom.

A relationship is a dynamic system. Ask yourself:

• Have there been other shifts in your connection — emotionally, physically, or in your routines?
• Has his work, health, or sense of purpose changed?
• Has your success started highlighting something unfulfilled or stagnant in his own life?

Sometimes the discomfort isn't about you — it's about what your success reflects back to him.

If this pattern keeps repeating, I would highly suggest considering professional support. Couples therapy could give a neutral space to unpack these feelings together—and learn tools to rebuild trust and understand one another better.

Remember, A healthy partnership is one where both people evolve, even if that evolution looks different for each of you. If you approach this with empathy, assertiveness, and clarity — you give both yourself and your husband a chance to grow from this moment, not away from it.

Good luck and best wishes!

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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